…how is it that such amazing and beautiful things can be happening amist such horrible and painful things?  You watch you baby daughter take her first steps.  Then in the same wind you can lose someone you love.

The short of it is that my grandfather-in-law Bob, who is 90, is in the hospital…again.  He has so many health problems going and my grandmother-in-law Verlee, who is in her late 80’s, has been taking care of him despite her poor health.  To see these people who are so full of life yet so weak is so hard on ones soul.  Why cant we just live forever…so that no one would ever have to experience the loss of a loved one.  The doctors are unsure of what is going on with Bob at this time…he pressed his life alert at 1 this morning and my father in law drove out to check on him, to find that he had a pain in his leg and didn’t seem to be able to feel part of it.

Now I have to be prepared for my husband if his grandfather is taking a turn for the worst…and i barely know how to deal with death as it is.  As you read in my only other post thus far on this blog, i lost my grandmother in september of 2008 after a long and painful fight with cancer.  I am still not over it…not by a long shot.  I don’t cry as much now, and it is dull from the passing of time…and yet it is still so fresh.  How am I to prepare myself to help my husband grieve if his grandpa passes?  I just don’t know…

You see death scares me…a lot…I don’t believe in God.  This doesn’t make me a horrible person, I am probably one of the nicest and most down to earth people you will ever know.  But the science is so real for me that God is not.  Therefore for me when someone passes away they are gone forever and only live on in our memories, which fade over time.  It is so hard to sit here and know that someone you loved so dearly is gone forever.  And you don’t realize how much you take them for granted until they are gone.  I miss just being able to talk to my grandma…even if just on the phone.

So with all this i ask, how I am supposed to ready myself for the possibility of my husband losing his grandparents?  To top it off we are all getting over being sick so we cant even go visit him in the hospital at this time………….

– Lost and scared….


Long talks and crying…

…why shouldn’t anyone sound suprised.  So I decided that I should really start writing my thoughts down and things that are occuring in my life.  This is all because I had a long talk tonight with a very good friend of mine who I had not talked to in a very long time.  Most of it was discussion and advice about some stuff going on with her, but we got on the subject of my grandma.

Even though grandma passed away in September of last year…I still can’t stop thinking about her.  I miss her…so much.  She really meant so very much to me…and watching her die from her cancer was terrible…I wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy.  I will never smoke…ever.  Not after seeing her in so much pain and so helpless after knowing her as such a strong, stubborn, and beautiful human being.

My grandma was adopted at the age of 5 (I believe thats the right age at least) after her birth parents passed away.  She was seperated from her 3 sisters.  From what I have been told my great grandparents were wonderful people who took very good care of my grandmother.  She married my grandfather…had 6 children…then divorced him because he was an alcoholic.  She worked her whole life to provide a life for my aunts and uncles.  She remarried and had another child, the man she married was a very abusive drunk and had actually shoved her when she was holding my uncle when he was just a week old.  She left him and started fresh.  At some point during all of this she was working at a diner and was closing up during the night when she was raped.  She never told anyone.  My mom found this out from her only later in her life.  Through all of these experiences both good and bad came my grandma.

My grandma always baked yummy baked goods to sell at local farmers markets.  Then during the winter she would help collect and distribute christmas gifts to low income children.  She always wanted to help.  I remember her first meeting and holding Chloe…she loved her right away because she was “a healthy baby” who had “a little meat on her bones.”  My grandma got such a kick out of all the baby gear that I had, and how much easier it made taking care of a baby.

I miss the thing we both shared a love for, crafts.  She is the one responsible for my love of little tiny beads…all through high school I would bring beads to school with me and make earrings during my classes.  Brick stitch earring made from 15/0 hex beads…these super tiny but beautiful beads.  All the hard work that she put into the earrings just always amazed me.  She also did cross-stitch of which I now hove one of her shirts she made that was identical to the one she always used to wear.

I loved my grandmas sense of humor…she was so easy going, and yet such a smart ass.  She loved bringing spam sandwiches to the market which I was continually EWWing over.  Another thing about my grandma was that she was a very avid reader.  She would always pass on good books to me including one series about a sassy bounty hunter.  I had watched my grandma burst out laughing while reading books, because she enjoyed them so much.  I could talk to my grandma about anything…or just about that is.  She was almost like a really good friend, one I loved, respected, and looked up to.

I miss her so much…it hurts.  I start crying whenever I let myself think about her for more than a moment.  And in the middle of my tears I will smile and giggle as I think about some little quarky thing she always did.  I can’t help but remember the terrific and funny person my grandmother really was.

I think its time I call my friend back…I really just want to cry…the pain will never really go away…